Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Its true…
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!