Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.