After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
This did not end as expected.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say