Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.