Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.