My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
This raises questions
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit