I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Strange
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.