Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Favourite diary entry ever
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The Sun’s probably Asian.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.