I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
welp
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft