4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
You Might Also Like
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
man: wait
time: no
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.