I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.