Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Has science gone too far?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.