me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.