People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’ll be mad as hell!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also