What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird