If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.