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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My typo game is string.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes