Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO