When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’m Sold!
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.