Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.