Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Oh my god
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
very niche meme I made
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.