Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
my mind
You just read my mind
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Breaking news:
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…