Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*