Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
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Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*