Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
yeah no that’s fair
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*