I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
What personal space?
My dog
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”