*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!