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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?