Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.