Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
can’t catch a break
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam