There’s only one good girl here!
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
The Joker was right
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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