one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Bro what is this