[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Saw your ex at the shops
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.