Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?