GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
This meal prepping shit is easy
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
me when I see my crush
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.