I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft