I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I will never stop laughing at this
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.