British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I am yelling
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.