Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
groan^2
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.