Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
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Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?