so this horse walks into a bar
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
And then there were 4
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats