how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged