[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
No laws when master is gone
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap