my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).