Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.