my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
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date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.