I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one