My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Yes my dude
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.