Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
hi why am I like this
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.