Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.